Stuck

Post written by Bridget Strub.

Recently I heard a newscaster say, “You are what you eat.” If this statement is, in fact, true, my body currently consists of a strange blend of high fructose corn syrup, sugar and caffeine, inordinate amounts of heavy cream, globs of pasta sauce, and soggy cereal.

I started eating this way when I began taking grad classes four nights a week. There’s something about sitting in a little plastic chair for three and a half hours every night that seems to warrant, if not demand, a large gas station cappuccino and a whole bag of Twizzlers. I justified this night after night as the only way I could possibly stay awake in class. The sad part about this routine is that it began over three months ago, and, what’s worse, I’m not even taking grad classes this semester. My habit seems to have stuck with me as well as glaze clings to an apple fritter.

As my grad classes were winding down, I was transitioning into a new position at work. I was justifiably nervous and naturally shifted my motivation for eating from bored-in-class to I’m-stressing-out. Lethargy started to settle in towards the end of August, and I knew that my mental and physical health was starting to spiral downward faster than my chocolate milkshake from Abbot’s did. Yet I was still stuck.

While I adjusted to my new position at work and nursed my new found addiction to Mountain Dew to survive the day, I also committed myself to the position of your Monday Morning Maitre d’ on this lovely website. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to report on my explorations of new-to-me restaurants and rediscovering just how good some deals at “old” restaurants can be. My date nights have been much richer because of this new challenge. However, this has been yet another excuse to keep me stuck in my pattern of bad eating.

This leads me to October 12, 2009. I am ten pounds heavier than I was less than three months ago. Yes, I just threw that out there. Yes, I know that’s not what ladies do, but I feel as though I had to come to terms with myself on this issue, and what better way than to spill my guts, and the contents of my plate, with you! I cannot seem to break this insatiable desire to consume mass quantities of pizza, soda, cookies and anything else that I can get my hands on. I will actually sit down to watch Biggest Loser with a huge bowl of chocolate ice cream and marvel at how someone can live a lifestyle like that. That, to me, screams denial.

This weekend my parents came in from out of town to visit with Pete and I for the day. I am incredibly close to my parents and consider them some of my dearest friends. I don’t see them nearly enough as I’d like to, so when we do get to spend time together I cherish every moment. As you can imagine, I really dislike having our time together end. So I was a little sad to see them leave. As soon as my parent’s van was out of sight and I was done waving goodbye I ran for a bag of Santitas Tortilla Chips. I sat down to dig in and realized my dad had left his phone at our house. After I had called them to come back and get it I had a few moments before they arrived, so I plunged my hand into the bag of chips and mindlessly shoveled some into my mouth. I paused just long enough to feel that twinge I get when I’m eating food I know I don’t need, but my moment of guilt was interrupted as my parents van pulled back into the driveway. As I ran out to return the cell phone I saw my mom munching on a cereal bar, and I felt that same twinge I had tossed aside moments before.

After I said goodbye again, I ran back into the house and plopped myself back onto the couch. The previous moments of conviction returned as I grabbed for a few more chips. I realized at that moment that the reason I was eating chips and my mom was eating a cereal bar two seconds after we had said goodbye to each other was not because we were hungry, but simply because that is the way we cope with our feelings. Somewhere in our lives we learned to associate happy feelings and comfort with food, so whenever we’re frustrated, angry, stressed out, bored, or even happy, we eat. What is a necessity has morphed into a dangerously, oppressive addiction. So many people in our world live this way. We’ve transferred our “quick-fix” society into band-aiding feelings with food. It’s a dangerous and unfulfilling lifestyle.

I’m not suggesting that I am going to stop eating all together or that I’m signing up for the next fad diet. I won’t be getting hyped up on any “miracle” pills. I wouldn’t, however, mind a few personal training sessions with Jillian Michaels (even if Pete does think I’m crazy and she’s a sell-out), but that’s beside the point. What I am suggesting, or declaring rather, is that it is time for me to get un-stuck. Something has got to change, and rather than waiting until New Years, I’ll make a Columbus Day resolution. I resolve to process my emotions and thoughts in a way that does not involve food. I will save eating for a time when I am able to truly enjoy what is going into my mouth rather than just inhaling whatever’s in front of me. My challenge for you this week is to do the same. Stop and think before you devour that piece of cake at work or pound an entire casserole at dinner. What is motivating you to eat? Hopefully we can support each other in this. But have no fear, I’ll return next week with a new found treasure to report on.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!