Be an Idiot, Buy a Dog

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from
Pete Strub.

When my wife and I told my family that we were considering buying a dog, my wise brother-in-law gave me one of those “if you only knew how stupid you are” looks. We, of course, ignored this look and, after much searching, brought home a 100 pound slobbering beast to our 0.7 acre city lot; I guess you could say wisdom isn’t our calling card. Monty is a mix between an American Staffordshire Terrier and something large – perhaps a horse? His slobber covers clothing in large, hair-gel like clumps, usually with some dirt, food, or unknown contaminate. And he sheds like a stressed out middle-aged man. But it wasn’t the slobber or the hair that made me think we made a mistake.

Money-Sucking Vets
A month or so after we bought the beast, my wife found him shaking on the floor, in the throes of a violent seizure. We discovered that the seizures would continue all night and into the next day. $1200 dollars later, our vet helped us discover that Monty has epilepsy. As my aforementioned brother-in-law was quick to point out, a bullet only costs about $.50. Then, there was the way he changed our lives. Every time we were out with friends we had to think about getting home to take care of him. Every vacation we had to find someone to take care of Monty. I started to wonder if we should surrender him to the pound or take my brother-in-law up on that fifty cent offer.

The bed, too?
We couldn’t do it, though. We kept him, and he became ruler of the house. Initially, Monty was not allowed on the furniture; that rule lasted little more than a month. Now, he will frequently climb on top of my wife and I to cuddle on the couch. Well, even though we gave in on the couch, surely our bed was still off limits, or so we thought. It started with weekend mornings when we would sleep in. Monty was awake and the only way we could get him to stop whining was to let him up on the bed. Now, he likes to sneak in while we are sleeping, crawl between us and proceed to push us to the edges of the bed with his legs. I frequently wake up with no blankets and half of my body hanging off the edge of the bed. But this behavior is nothing compared to what his appetite has done.

This Duct Tape Smells Funny
It started with a sock. We saw him swallow a sock and we were immediately worried. We were afraid we would find ourselves at the vet paying for his stupidity. Then, something amazing happened: he passed it. Apparently, our dog has the ability to digest almost anything. Since then, he has eaten and pooped: a dish sponge, various undergarments, an entire box of latex gloves, cardboard, entire loaves of bread, a bag of chocolate, and, most recently, an entire roll of duct tape (which came out intact, in one long string – imagine it). He has also eaten and puked: five frozen rolls (which rose in his stomach), an entire bottle of vegetable oil, and an entire bottle of fish oil pills (which ruined our rug).

Not a Mistake
Somewhere along the line, however, Monty’s insanity became woven in our lives and I almost came to look forward to the next stupid thing he would do. I can’t explain how many times my wife or I or both of us have been stressed or upset, only to see Monty with the top of the garbage can stuck on his head, or rolling around on the carpet, or spazzing out with his rope, or curling up on our laps like a shih tzu on growth hormones. Buying a dog is the most senseless, foolish thing you can do with your money, especially on a 0.7 acre lot in the city, and I highly recommend it.

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