Is your child’s No just as loveable as their Yes?

photo courtesy of macrophile

I am currently reading the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. So far an amazing book offering advice that most people struggle with – learning to set appropriate boundaries in your life. I’ll do a more in depth review later, but for now I want to touch on a point that I believe is great advice for parents and one boundary we very easily overstep.

In Chapter Four, How Boundaries are Developed, they discuss the different stages we go through, starting with infants, and the boundaries we learn, or at least should learn.

One boundary really stuck out to me when I read it that I realized I may, *cough*, not always respect.

“Parents have two tasks associated with no. First, they need to help their child feel safe enough to say no, thereby encouraging his or her own boundaries. Though they certainly can’t make all the choices they’d like, young children should be able to have a no that is listened to. Informed parents won’t be insulted or enraged by their child’s resistance. They will help the child feel that his no is just as loveable as his yes. They won’t withdraw emotionally from the child who says no, but will stay connected.”

It really hit me when I read that their no should be just as loveable as their yes. How often as parents do we manipulate our children into doing what we want them to do when they say no, rather than respecting their decision. I know that sounds harsh, especially hearing words like manipulate, but it’s true isn’t it? We do all sorts of things to get our children to do what’s easiest for us. What we want them to do.

Think about it. The next time your child says no to you, think about how you are handling their choice. Or perhaps how others respond to your child’s no. The book shares a great example where an aunt is hurt by a child who says ‘no’ to her request for affection. The aunt complains to the parents and their response is, “We don’t want Casey to to feel that her affection is something that she owe’s people. We’d like her to be in charge of her life.” Put your child’s health first in situations like this instead of trying to simply please everyone else.
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A future investment. So whether you realize that you need to show your child just as much love when they say ‘No’ or you need to support them when they say ‘No’ to others, make those changes today. Let them know they are just as loved when they say ‘No’ and you respect their choice. Recognize the investment you are making in their future for establishing healthy boundaries. Especially when I think of my daughter, I want her to know that her ‘No’ means ‘No’ and should be respected!

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